This post is about the sense of confidence we get from within. We strengthen it when we embrace our internal value system instead of blindly following others’ judgements.
Many people wish to be more confident in putting themselves out there. Projecting yourself as sure in your own abilities can help you a lot in everyday life – for example, when meeting new partners in love and business, speaking to an audience, or job hunting.
I believe, our confidence grows naturally with time. Part of the reason may be that as we successfully face more challenges in life, we start trusting in our own ability to solve problems – we adapt more of the “been there, done that” attitude. But ideally, we want to be confident in any situation, even one that is completely new to us, right? This can be achieved by knowing yourself better than anyone around – developing a well-rounded view on your own strengths as well as weaknesses, and standing behind it at all times.
What usually kills our confidence is judgement, or rather fear of it. Ever since we were children, constantly evaluated by teachers and assessed by peers in school, we have been prone to listen to what others think of us. And while accepting a healthy dose of reasonable criticism and adjusting to it can be beneficial, most of judgement that comes our way is not worth paying attention to.
As we develop, we get used to the idea that our actions are evaluated by others constantly, whether we like it or not. Judging is our mind’s default way of processing the world around us. That’s how we unravel the complex puzzle of reality wrapped around us – we attach labels such as “like”, “disapprove”, “can’t understand”, “admire”, etc. to little pieces of it that we notice in things and people. It helps us decide what we resonate with and want more of, and what we reject.
When a part of us gets rejected by another, it often hurts – but it doesn’t have to. When we attach pain to incoming judgement, it entices us to behave differently in response to that, in order to avoid the pinch next time. In other words, to avoid being hurt again by the same person’s judgement, we change ourselves in a way they would approve of. But what’s the point of becoming different to gain approval of someone who doesn’t care for your true self?
True inner confidence protects us from feeling and responding to pain when we’re being judged. That’s why confident people don’t get too nervous from public speaking or performing in front of a large audience – they just don’t care. It doesn’t matter to them what you and I think – they’re just out there, doing their thing, knowing damn well they are good at it. And we usually find it pretty sexy.
A powerful way to start feeling worthy regardless of what anyone else may think of you is through understanding that the labels you get from others are their problem. It affects their perception of reality, but doesn’t have to touch yours. If someone does not like your performance on stage or your look at that date you’ve been nervous about, you can just agree to disagree. Simple as that.
We can develop this kind of confidence by letting no judgement but our own define our worth. No stranger, however intelligent, no boss, no partner and even no relative of yours knows your core better than you do. Of course, you can still benefit from accepting thoughtful suggestions for improvement from people you trust, but in determining your true inner value, your voice is the only one that matters.
Should we rely on others to tell us how good we are, our confidence level will always fluctuate, depending on the amount of positive attention we’re getting. So, it’s only your job to accurately identify what you’re worth right now and why, as well as in what direction you wish to grow.
To bring the sense of self-worth to a stable, consistent ground, we need to build it upon our own values. It takes all of the following:
- understanding what it means for you, and nobody else, to “do good” and to “be a good person”
- appreciation and enjoyment of own successes
- acceptance of own faults, weaknesses and wrongdoings without self-deprecation, but with full accountability
- self-reflection without self-absorption
- formation of your own value system, with its goods and bads, that you stand for and believe in 100%
How far we get in the quest for knowing our own worth at all times depends on how conscious we are, and how far along we are in the process of building a solid, yet ever-evolving value system. At the end of the day, it’s only our own judgement of how we’ve lived that matters.
Enjoy your journey!
Thank you for liking and sharing this post, as well as following the blog, your support truly matters to me ❤ If you liked this article, you may enjoy reading a bit more about how to be successful.